Being a parent is a thankless job. It’s not a bragging right, but an act of love. So many become parents not for these reasons. It takes more than ‘being fruitful and multiplying’ to be a mom or dad. Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly. On account of this, the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotions and doubt for me. It all started when I was lying in bed and thinking about food…yes food. I was daydreaming of a spread of Jamaican dishes that I would love to shove down my face. Immediately I thought of my dad. Him being a Jamaican, former cook, and newly retired I know he would love nothing more than to shower his baby girl in island delectable. I then immediately got sad because I know this is not a possibility. Me and my mom are not on speaking terms (again) and the only way I can call my dad is by calling the house phone, which I refuse because I am not trying to deal with her right now. Of course it may sound petty, but trust me its for my own sanity. Our latest battle of words ended in me spilling my hurt heart and guts and telling her that she was not a good mom as she thought she was. Honor thy father and mother, right? Well I honored her with the grace to tell her how she has short changed me on all the pivotal moments in my life. From missed honor club inductions, to working my ass off to get into college all by myself and barely batting an eye, the non-existent college care packages, the absence on my wedding day and prenatal appointments (in which I was high risk) and birth of my child. I could go on, but I think my point has been made. Anytime I attempted to bring it up ,I hear ‘well you should get over it’. I am not. Provoke not your child to wrath, I say. Here I am, crying my eyes out wanting to be noticed, loved and supported and I’m told to ‘get over it’ ? The convo ends as it always does with her acting shocked and saying she has to go attend to her slow cooker, and I abruptly press the ‘End Call’ button before she can finish. This time it was different I think for the both of us, but certainly for me. Usually, I can expect a phone call in about 3 or 6 months acting like nothing has happened and I begrudgingly play along however this has become deeper than that for me. Heading back down the journey of motherhood really has made me question a lot about myself and my abilities to parent two children, but also my dysfunctional relationship with my mom.Growing up in a house with 4 other brothers and sisters back then seemed like fun; the constant playmates, the older sibling protector, the cool big sister hand-me-downs and so forth.In that rose-colored haze of nostalgia , it is easy to forget the ‘always gotta work’, ‘get ready for revival after school every night for a week and get home at 12am’, no you can’t play sports, no you can’t wear pants because of ‘religion’, no you – just NO to everything that didn’t include church being force-fed down our throats. You would think still managing to have an over 4.0 gpa , being accepted into college, working a job, being involved in extra curriculars, and still trying to maintain a sense of identity through my forced wardrobe would make any parent proud. It doesn’t. Taking a minute to back away from the venting to get into this fab look.Doesn’t my Kimono just scream Blanche Deveraux? Yes, yes it does.I look like I should not have to work or ever lift a finger*dreams in rich husband . I would imagine moms with nannies dress like this. Kimonos and dusters are finally a year round thing so Summer can just kiss it.My Lavender body strappy dress is a win from Fashion Nova, so much so I got it in olive as well. Still being in the early stage the pregnancy I still am not ‘bumping’ as much so I thought maybe a duster would help round my look out more since it just looks like I am getting out of shape. Now that I am barreling down stocking up on diapers in the coming months I am shopping less, much less.My Sophia Webster heels were my final splurge *weeps in responsibility.Keeping my look light ,as its too hot for anything else, I paired my look with my pastel purse and floral earrings. I got to college so excited and overwhelmed to be away from home that I lost sight of why I was there not to mention the only calls I received were ‘are you coming home for church?’.My parents short-sighted lack of empathy and stress of paying for college among other things contributed to my short lived collegiate career.Why did they not try to care? Why did they not try to understand? Why did they not push me? Hell, why did you not have a college savings when you know I wanted to go to college since middle school? Most importantly, why couldn't you care enough? All the why’s I thought of led me down a path of confusion and anger and still do. What’s the point of being fruitful and multiplying if you don’t nourish, support, and prepare ? I know I switched from my mom to both parents, but my frustration rings heavy with my mom.I have told my dad the same things and he has genuinely felt remorse and really didn’t understand a lot of what I went through due to his rural Jamaican upbringing;so he is forgiven for the most part. Thinking of their short comings made me doubt whether I could handle being there for 2 kids of my own.It would crush me to have one of my kids say I made them feel they my mom has made me feel.The thought of falling short scares the shit out of me.I know I may not be there for everything, but I want to make sure I am there when it counts.I want to make sure I am listening to how my child feels whether verbally or non-verbally. I want to be able to give sound advice without quoting a scripture just to prove how close to God and am.I want teach my kids financial literacy and how to build wealth and credit early in life.To let them know college and student loans don’t have to be the only option,working for yourself is always a reality if you are shown how.Most importantly I don’t want my kids to struggle mentally feeling inadequate because I am too busy blogging or working to care about their life.I just want to be there.I just want to be a mom.I’m pretty sure there are many parents who are feeling the same way I am.I am also certain that there are many non-parents who feel the same way and this has caused them to delay being parents.I am also certain that we will not be our parents or guardian’s short coming if we learn from what we lacked and take parenting seriously.Thanks for listening , guys.
Disclaimer: This post was not intended to bash or embarrass my mom, but rather share my truth.I will always love my mom.There are many things I can praise her for, but there are many more things that have caused detrimental emotional damage to me and I choose not to ignore it, wish it away, or pray it away.These are real feelings that I am choosing to address.This is my life and my story.-Respectfully ,LaNatria (bomb bitch)
9 Comments
Veronica
7/28/2017 12:58:08 pm
Hey girl, reading this I could relate so much not so much with my relationship with my mom because I lost both my parents before the age of 19. It was more with my older sister who was left with a huge responsibility to look after me when they passed. Over the years, I have reached out to my other sister to openly address similar issues which have left me feeling like a dysfunctional woman. Similarly, culture and tradition cones u to play and become an excuse to dismiss them as if they didn't exist. I have also given up and trying everyday to focus on the woman I want to be. It is indeed hard to do so without help and direction of how to do that. You are definitely not alone and I believe you are doing a great job and will be great at it the second time. Your strong will to do right by your children is the drive you need and God will place people to help you along the way.
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lanatria
7/28/2017 04:03:08 pm
Thank you!!! There is only so much trying we can do before we emotionally exhaust ourselves and at that point we are good to no one.You are very smart as well to know we you have done all you can do and then realize that it is time to leave it alone and move along.It can be hard trying to adult without direction and I wish I did have that growing up but it is bittersweet to be able to know what I have overcome , learned, and am still able to achieve despite the situation.Even though I wished my life would have been different I am glad to see that I am not the only one and that we can overcome .Thanks for reading and sharing your story!
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Hello. You look just FAB. Mine is the reverse story. I'm a young old head. I'm 44, had my daughter when I was 18. Got married had two more kids. Problem is, my daughter hated me for years because she felt I never listened to her, not took her side as child. she felt my Ex and I had our own family. She said I never loved on her ( NOTTRUE). Im the ultimate hugger. I guess she felt she was ignored. She probably felt that way for some reason. Her teenage years were the worse, we fought twice, she wasn't a bad kid, just played victim all the time. BUT, we are much closer now, and I listen to her and was surprised at some of the things she brought up. we worked it out and I cant imagine life without my kids. One day she will listen. Keep your head up.
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lanatria
7/28/2017 03:56:48 pm
I am glad you were able to work through that! I used to long for that moment, but so much has transpired that I left out in this post and the constant emotional ups and downs have really taken a toll on me.It literally physically stresses my body.I am unfortunately done waitng, trying, and hoping.There are only so many times I can cry my heart out only to be looked at as if I am an overdramatic liar.I know that sounds pretty pessimistic, but I have thought of every scenario in which she may change and come around.They have all come and gone almost and nothing;no change.She has missed so much that now I would rather her not be there because all I can think of is all the times I needed her and she failed to be by my side.I do wish things could have been different, but I truly feel now that it is too late.I can only hold out hope and get emotional torn down so many times before I give up.
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Lanetra. Just keep her in your heart. She may have had unresolved childhood issues herself. Aside my issues with my daughter, I lost my Mother to murder when I was 12 years old. Im surprised I didn't go crazy, but I persevered, like you have. Oh I wish I could just hug my mother once again. Keep your head up.
Cecilia
7/28/2017 05:11:48 pm
You're a beautiful Queen! I admire your transparency. I had a very similar upbringing. When I left for college I was happy to be on my own, but very angry because of the non existent relationship with my mom. Yes I loved her, but so many things that were said and done really hurt me. I needed to heal, so I called her after not speaking for a while and put all my hurts and bad childhood memories out there for her to hear how it affected me. Much of it, she denied she remembered. That hurt too, because I had carried it so long. Something was refreshing and calming about releasing it. I'm glad to say our relationship has bumps now and then, but we are speaking and she is very involved with my daughter's. I want to set a good example. I love her and it's still growing. That nourishing is so important. Keep moving forward and growing. I pray that you all find understanding and unity in your relationship. You're amazing and talented. I'm so very proud of you!
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lanatria
7/31/2017 03:19:51 pm
Cecilia sometimes that emotional release is all we need to help us move forward.Sometimes its still not enough.I wish that emotional release was enough for me but the denial really ignites my flame again.Its surpising but also not suprising to know we share a similar story.I can not say enough how many times I see this happen in homes where religion or church is considered the main priority.Alot of times people say preachers kids are the worst ones , but its just that we are the most misunderstood.
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GetEmLadyD
7/31/2017 12:32:20 pm
Thank you for being so open and honest. I want to pose this question. What if your children when they are grown tell you they are upset with you because you did blogging instead of "x" activity with tem. How would you want them to respond. Would you want them to stop speaking to you because you as a mom didn't give them the answer they wanted. Would you want them to see what you were able to do, not what you were able to?? Again thank you for your openess and I love your blog
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lanatria
7/31/2017 02:52:09 pm
Thanks you so much for reading! In regards to your questions I would want them to respond in whatever way they may feel will get the response they want from me as a mother.If its understanding or an apology then I would expect an honest conversation .I can not fault them if that is not what they want to hear but if they choose to stop talking to me over it that then I am stuck with two options :fight to get my child back in my life or let them live and love them from a distance.Parents make choices sometime that are in the best interest of the child and sometimes they make selfish ones, but if neither is communicated to the child hard feelings can be harbored.Open and honest communication can lead to understanding when dealing with two rational parties, but its has to start with being open honesty and most importantly rationality on both sides.Without that you will face a breakdown in communication that can lead to just cutting a person off.If I chose to ignore the emotional cries of my child after several attempts of communication I would expect them to cut me off honestly.
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